unfinished, untitled, undone

I can't get motivated. I can't put more than 75% effort into anything. I am so easily distracted. There seems to be so many things to do, that all I can do is do really unimportant things instead. Distraction tasks. I want to get better at drawing again, but all i do is cook instead. I need to do my tax return, but all I do is go shopping for toothpaste and browse in Aldi. I suppose at least I'm not getting drunk all the time, but even the fact that I'm not doing that is distracting me. I think I need to let my hair down.

birthday plays

so many nice things happened to celebrate my 25th year:






- mismatching socks knitted with the last of the new zealand wool by my grandma and aunt
- a new place to keep my knitting needles, sewn all by hand in beautiful tartan
- the silver and brass ball with jingle jangle fairies trapped inside
- a pretty new milk jug and inheriting my mum's loveliest teapot, for perfect teatimes
- peachy roses and a very special screenprint
- many many wooly tights for snug winter travels
- a weighty art book to get my teeth into
- bloomsbury bowling, dinner in a vietnamese classroom and lucky voice KARAOKE

there are too many things to mention. i felt really spoilt this birthday, with the company as well as the perfectly chosen gifts. and now that we have a (hopefully) dry house to move into this new year, i have a much bigger smile on my face. i haven't had a headache, or felt ill in at least 2 weeks! this is definitely an improvement.

i really need to pull off some magic at work tomorrow, so hopefully the gale force winds wont set off all the car alarms again and i can get a good slumber.

lost

i just spent 45 minutes looking for my ipod. in pockets, underneath everything, in secret hiding places, in all of my totes. sat down with a big sigh and felt something hit my leg.

it was underneath the pillow on my chair. i must've been sitting on it for nearly a week.

idiot.

blogging hell

i walked for nearly 45 minutes in the pouring rain with really heavy bags and a hangover. i expected to find debbie and stacey watching x-factor on demand in the living room, and when i saw yumi's bike in the corridor , i imagined she might've come along for the sunday evening television extravaganza too.

but i could hear something funny as i walked into the unusually dark living room - it was the tinny sound of happy birthday playing through laptop speakers - and a CAKE! shaped like a teapot! for me! as a surprise! i did a little scream.

an early totally unexpected birthday present, accompanied by a soundtrack. wow, i really have been spoilt.

what a whirlwind weekend too. i think i evened out the water content in my body by crying out as much as i drank in alcohol yesterday. keep things balanced, you know.

house viewings tomorrow morning, on my birthday. yeaaah, what a treat!

birthday bunches

this time 5 years ago, i was at a pub in Lewes playing toad in the hole and having the first and possibly last conversation about sex with my sister. i was 19 then, and for my birthday we went to a club which is now Oceana, drank cheap alcopops and did the limbo underneath a guys arms. this year i hope to do the limbo again, perhaps. but drinking cheap cava instead of smirnoff ice.

i am classy, you see.

i am having lots of problems sleeping at the moment, i'm restless, fidgety and have started nibbling away at my nails again. joana would be so upset with me.

tomorrow - a train adventure. and i wont be able to sleep because i'll to be too busy planning what snacks to take.

poppy, the most beautiful cat.

too long grinning and bearing the yellow drips running off the walls and ceilings. too long ignoring the threadbare salmon pink carpets, bare plasterboard and dodgy electrics. too long covering the bad bits with ornaments and picture frames. i think we've had enough.

it's so lovely living in a lovely, warm house. i thought today about the house we had in the country, the "dream house" with the Aga, swing in the garden and kittens running around our feet. we had a vegetable patch, a pond with frogs and all around were deserted country lanes perfect for summer bike rides. it was amazing for a while. and my mum's house now is amazing, and has been for nearly 10 years. i feel lucky to have lived in such mansions! and it is very depressing when i think of where i am now. even my house in nottingham with the wet wall and garden full of toilet wasn't as bad as this now. that was one wall, not every wall.

we are effectively polishing a turd here, and i don't need any more of that or i'll never stop having those awful poo dreams.

i just want somewhere dry with a spacious kitchen and a cat to cuddle up to. yep, that'd be just great.

on another note, a musical note.. i am going to try for a while to record all these stupid songs that i wake up singing in the morning, the earworms that bother me all day, every day. i've started a new blog, which is very ugly and basic but might provide insight into the correlations between genres/moods of these (often awful) song. maybe i'll make a scatter chart. maybe in years to come i'll do a nice reminisce on my musical choices of 2009.

all in a days work

today i painted a few big signs and a few small signs for Bert's. those are the small ones. it didn't really feel like work, apparently they like my handwriting though and i'm grateful to be paid to do that.

this morning a man at the bus stop asked me if we could make babies. he smelt. then i saw a girl stumbling down the street with no pants on. not such a good start.

and it was so windy that a old man got blown over outside the cobblers and hit his head on the ground. i helped him up but he was very heavy and seemed quite annoyed and confused.

i harvested my first homegrown chilli just now, for tonight's curry dinner. it is so spicy for such a small thing! i am home alone again and in a truly depressing fashion, just had a beer on my own and now feel agitated and tipsy. oops!

odd bits

the view from my desk.

it's eerily quiet in the flat tonight, apart from the chimney whistling a reassuring tune to me from down the corridor. it's the kind of quiet that makes me want to sing to myself at the top of my voice. but i won't, incase i like it a bit too much and turn into a crazy.

i am enjoying braids on la blogoteque today, a nice change from having Shakira stuck in my head for approximately 48 hours.

and now i am going to draw some holly wreaths in time to spruce up Bert's christmas display boards tomorrow.

lovely.

sunshine on a rainy day

november 2005





Sneaking undetected down the creaky corridors, and the musty smell of the radiators drying my rain-soaked tights. The flowers that Ashley left on my doorstep when I was sick. The teddybear that Marianna filled with Olbas Oil to make me better. Lying 4 in the bed drawing pictures in the condensation covered windows, telling made-up jokes until it got dark again. Like sardines, staring silently at the ceiling for hours.

blue skies are coming, but i know that it's hard.

i have a lot to catch up on. the thought of wrapping myself from head to toe in knitted items cheers me up, despite the constant dampness in our lives.

bonfire night passed me by as quickly as an indoor sparkler fizzles out this year, and halloween preparations and pumpkin carving were more fun than the actual event.

we went on a trip to london too, and saw the turbine hall project which was partly made by my work, and utterly terrifying. i held on tight. i also went on my first trip to broadway market, had a delicious coffee which didn't make me feel insane or tipsy and saw lots of people riding bikes that were too cool for their own good.

i keep waking up with "think twice" by celine dion in my head, i think it's a sign. perhaps like the time i kept dreaming about poo.... i do hope not.

young

I had better taste in clothes when I was younger than I do now.

trendy! sexy! cool!

My lovely ex-housemate Else features in this months Grazia magazine - how exciting!

We were once photographed with our "collections" for a photography project, she counted over 50 pairs of shoes. I just had lots of things with birds on. I am eternally envious of the size of her feet and my inability to borrow/steal all of her footwears (even some extremely jazzy gold glittery party shoes).

I just did a 6 minute hula-hooping workout and felt dizzy and confused and ended up buying a printer. I'm unsure yet if this was wise or very unwise. We shall see.

I am working for a very nice artist at the moment, doing a few finishing bits and bobs. It is so refreshing to occasionally meet these artists and designers who actually seem to care about their work, and the people who help to make them. Really really nice.

that is all.

xxx

oh elisabeth, you're my sunshine

another weekend, another birthday, another batch of baked goods.

a bit of a fondant flop though, perhaps i'll be more successful with more time/less wine.

i've had a tough week, physical and mental disorder creating a kind of hermitting effect. you know when you just can't really explain what's wrong, to anybody, so you pretend nothing much is wrong at all. keep calm, carry on.

i need to do something different, i need a big challenge. i might pack my bags in the spring for a bit, go wandering in new zealand or go on a really long bike ride with my tent or go to america to eat burgers and fries.

but i don't want to leave my house behind, regardless of its damp patches and funny creaky noises here and there.

i'm gathering excitement about the pumpkin party we're going to hold in a few weeks time, perhaps another rung on me and debbie's party planning ladder! yes!

fresh!

I finally had a small triumph in the (semi) vegan kitchen, Richard gave my banana bread a score of 93% out of 100% - none of those wacky made up percentages that Louis Walsh uses on the X-Factor. Proper numbers.

I made two actually, one with eggs and raisins, one without eggs and with cinnamon. Both were zesty and gooood. My mum made one too, so I got to sample 3 different types in the space of two days! Crikey, it's a good job we're getting the Wii Fit tomorrow (YES!!!) or i'll turn into a porky pie.

I conquered my fear of children on saturday and held a child for the first time since my brother was a baby. No joke, it really has been that long. I always manage to skip the "holding the baby" bit when a new one gets passed round the group. I hate it, I find it utterly terrifying, and ok - maybe this wasn't quite a baby as such, but even a 5 year old is pretty good going for me. I liked it! Maybe this is a new leaf turned.

In other not-so-great news, I had an extremely strange experience on saturday evening and I have absolutely no memory of what happened to me after leaving Rebecca's house. I was in a taxi, then I was in the middle of the road on my own, then I was being carried home and being very very ill for a lot of hours after that. I only know that much because Richard filled me in on the whole quite horrifying ordeal. To say it's hazy is an understatement, as far as I'm concerned something mind-altering happened to me without my consent, some how or another. Very unpleasant, an experience I'd like to leave behind me swiftly.

But we now have 8 days left to complete the engraving project at work, so I am going to grin and bear a couple of weeks of sanding sores and dusty eyebrows before hopefully something new and exciting comes along. Anybody want to offer me a job as a TV chef???

Thought not....

half of what you hear, and none of what you see

I did a drawing once that everybody seemed to love. I painted it when I was very upset and sad, and now it lives underneath my bed doing nothing. I feel like that is what I am doing with my art. Absolutely nothing.

I need to get my teeth into something creative again soon. Very soon. I am becoming consumed by the consumerist art world and every day that my nose bleeds because of the fiberglass dust, or i get chemicals in my eyes, I wish hard for an escape route. But I am stuck between loving doing a craft as a full-time job, and hating never being able to do my own craft.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll hatch a mega-super get rich quick plan instead of trying to win radio competitions. Yeah. YEAH!

homely, homely.

I remember on valentines day, the usually dismal station platform was dotted with bursts of colour from the hastily bought generic bouquets awaiting their expectant recipients' joyous welcomes. One man was carrying a brand new vacuum cleaner - probably a far more useful gift, yet a far cry from the romance we anticipate.

I always feel like a celebrity carrying flowers, like some slick man in a convertible car may have just swept me off my feet with them, before whisking me away on his luxury yacht. Of course this is almost the opposite of what I actually want. The idea of this imagined "slick" man makes me feel quite sick, but I can't help having a twinkle in my eye and a spring in my step as if I have just been lavished with gifts.

I only needed to buy a carrot this evening, so there was really no need for me to take a detour to Baker Street, but it worked out wonderfully because I stumbled upon a bucketload of flowers for 10p a bunch. Fresh flowers always seem so luxurious, something perhaps I'll be able to afford when I'm a proper grown up.

My mum used to go to flower arranging classes. She took me along one time, I used to love squeezing the green foamy stuff between my fingers. I thought I had done really well in the class, but the teacher was very bossy and didn't seem to like my childlike style. If only she could see me now, maybe my homemade bread would impress her.





I am having a love/hate relationship with breakfast. Some days I'll fly out of the door with only a cup of coffee in my hand, and others I'll sit down surrounded by as many breakfast items as I can find. I like to act out a hotel continental breakfast - cereal first, then toast, eggs, grilled tomatoes, orange juice and coffee. I am also becoming worried that I talk/think about food an unhealthy amount. I am an obese person trapped in the body of a runner bean. A runner bean that desperately needs some sleep.

xx

pun fun

Happy Birthday Sam! (yesterday)







My brother turned sixteen yesterday. They say "sweet sixteen", and the cake certainly was that! He likes music a lot, so i made a piano cake for him. I covered KitKats in black icing for the keys, and made the musical notes from Tunnocks Teacakes and KitKats smothered in icing. The chocolate sponge was delicious and moist, but the icing had to be quite thick so that it looked really white which made it very sickly. I think his sweet tooth liked it though...

I also made some origami bunting, and my mum made 4 different lasagnes!! We are all allergic awkward eaters. It was a great bank holiday evening though, lots of wine a'flowing.

In slightly worse news, our kitchen has been invaded by tiny black and white bugs which hide in cupboards and cracks. They're horrible!

I need to tidy up and not update my blog......

i sea the see

this is why i still live in brighton. every weekend is like a holiday.

camel

I forgot to post about the camel cake I made for Jasmine's 24th birthday. She is one of my oldest friends, and appears to believe that she was a camel in a past life. Or is one now, I'm not entirely sure.



It was a crowd pleaser, and tasted good too! I am so very busy with work at the moment that my brain is finding it difficult to focus on anything else (except Rock of Love II).

I must try harder.

driving me crazy

Some things we saw along the way:

















We drove for well over 1000 miles through the south, the midlands, the lake district and scotland. A grand old British Tour.

We dominated the dance floor in Nottingham, played watercolour challenge in Kendal, and ate delicious vegan pies in Edinburgh. We wrote songs at Yorkshire Sculpture Park, lay on beaches by Derwent Water & Gullane, and had to flee Loch Lomond after an accomodation/frightening gypsy nightmare.

It was a wonderful, but very strange time for me. At times I felt completely out of control of my behaviour, vacant and angry and trapped in a state of depression which I absolutely couldn't snap myself out of. It was awful. No, I was awful.

But I stopped taking those awful pills and a migraine or two later, I'm on the mend. The holiday was great, it still is great. Three days left to enjoy the sea air before I get back on the work train (literally).

home sick

We came back from holiday a little early. Jubilant highs, and plummeting lows.

We met many nice pets along the way, including this fluffy dog enjoying the view at Derwent Water.

After 7 different sleeping places, I am desperate to curl up under my blanket in familiar surroundings.

have a hatty few weeks...

I'm off on holiday. Here are some hat things.





HAT CAKE BEFORE!



HAT CAKE AFTER!



ME AND ONE OF MY HATS



yes yes yes yes yes

new year, kind of.

My chair has had a long and colourful life. An array of vibrant blues and greens peek through the white paint on the corners where it has been knocked about over the years. The fabric covering has been a very garish pink polkadot for as long as i can remember, and it was time for a change. While I was at it, I spruced up my new academic diary.

A lot has happened in the past 12 months - too much perhaps. I am exhausted.

I became a graduate.
I finished a 5 year relationship, and began a new one.
I moved cities, and houses, twice.
I became unemployed for the first time in 10 years, and then got 2 perfect jobs in the same day.
I went to 2 festivals, one was wonderful and the other was the worst time of my life.
I dressed up as roadkill, a geisha, a garden, the king of the windmill, a 50s princess, and accidently flashed while wearing a toga.
I went to 3 of the best gigs i've ever been to, 2 of which were in a church.
I had my bike stolen, and got it back.
I divorced my dad.
I spent the night in hospital for the first time since I was born.

......amongst other things, which aren't blog safe.

Yeah... i could probably have a tv show by now. It's not going to be a cookery one though judging by this evening's attempt at fudge. Hugh F-W let me down! My sugar thermometer let me down!

It's gay pride in Brighton this weekend, and after last years ridiculous dramas, I'm kind of glad to be missing it. I won't be glad to be missing Jasmine and Zoe though:

hats hats hats hats hats hats

I have got into writing using pen and paper this week, which means blogging has diminished somewhat. It was a hell of a week last week too, overworked and underpaid is an understatement.

But we're having a party! On saturday, and if you're reading this then you should probably definitely come along. Can you guess the theme?







This weekend we have mostly been keeping an eye on Basket, our part-time adopted seagull chick and also finally assembled the World Postcard Map which Debbie has successfully documented. Send us a postcard! I used to love having pen-pals, it seems that not many people can be bothered these days. A shame.

Party!